If you really like this blog I'd like to invite you to head on over to my Radical Parenting! blog and follow as well. You will get much more activity than this one at the moment!
http://radicalparenting.blogspot.com/
-Kimya Dawson
-Maya Angelou
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Very Long Time
It has been way to long since I attended to this blog. Life has been busy, fun, and painful. I've pursued other interests. I am back on the blog-o-sphere but will not be writing on this blog much since I am writing a book. If you are interested in keeping up with my latest check out my book blog at http://radicalparenting.blogspot.com/
Monday, December 13, 2010
Five Years
Today I realized that I have had chronic pain for five years. For five years I've had pain varying from 3 to 10 on the pain scale. This pain includes feeling as if I had participated in the most kick butt work out you can imagine, while dealing with the ache that comes from having the flu, and having a mild sunburn all over my body while dealing with the occasional muscle spasm accompanied by burning pain cascading along and around the spasming area. This all comes in varying waves. I've tried a number of therapies and drugs. The only thing that takes away most of the pain consistently is narcotic pain killers, which I have not used in two and a half years. Cause when the medication wore off the pain was always between 8-10. The crazy thing is over all I feel better about life than I ever have. Yes I am frustrated at times by my limitations...but I have an amazing family and several good friends. I wasn't asked if I would take living in pain in order to be in the happiest place I have ever been. However I would have said yes.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Roots of "Misbehavior"
In my work as a family educator and reflection of my personal history I've come to two conclusions about behavior (or "misbehavior" a term I do not use except to make a point about the term being a misnomer):
1. All purposefully unsafe behavior is initially learned from our families/friends/environments.
Children who act in hurtful ways are almost always hurt first. If you spank your child they are likely to hit others. If you yell/scream at your child they are likely to yell/scream at others. If you belittle/name call your child they are likely to do do the same to others. Those that exhibit these behaviors outside of being modeled these behaviors do so because their needs are not met. Child Protective Services (CPS) call extreme cases of these abuse and neglect. Yet so many parents practice abuse and neglect under the guise of positive parenting. This cycle is perpetual because as adults we spend time making up for the abuse and neglect we endured from our childhoods. House rules are set at the convenience of the parent. Schedules are set at the convenience of the parent. Meals are made at the convenience and preference of the parent. I could go on but I think the point is made. Even in the "nicest" of families children are often treated as accessories or vicarious avatars for adults to live their failed dreams through. If your child acts in ways you disapprove of they most likely learned to act that way from you and/or learned that in order to get their needs met they had to act in unsafe ways.
2. Schools are ill-equipped to foster learning and support the needs of children at the same time.
Before there were schools children regularly had numbers of adults interacting with them and supporting their needs. Tribes/clans/etc. were large families who epitomized the "it takes a village to raise a child" perspective. Today we have people we do not know raising our children in ratios that are not conducive to learning or safety. An anecdote from my own life illustrates this point. When I was in kindergarten I was the youngest of all the children. I started early because I was "bright." Emotionally and physically I was not ready for such an environment. Being a boy who is smaller than other children often makes one a target for bullying and this was the case for me every year of my schooled life until college although there were some moments in college as well). For thirteen years I was usually concerned about my personal safety. In kindergarten I was bullied by on particular bully from the fall until winter. I had a great kindergarten teacher. She was attentive, caring, and a talented educator. Despite her being a "great" teacher she had no clue I was being treated this way. The bullying stopped on a snowy winter day when the a fore mentioned boy grabbed my hat and buried it in the snow. I had had enough. I tapped into a rage that for most of my life has been present but caged and ran after the boy, grabbed his thick snow coat covered arm, and bit down as hard as I possibly could. The adults in my life were utterly shocked that I would do such a thing. Doesn't seem that surprising considering no one noticed that for three months I had been tormented. Despite having a good teacher and fun learning environment I was driven to the point of savagery. In high school my grades were not what they could have been. Many people would argue a need for accountability on my part but I challenge that notion. How well could I have been expected to do when I was worried about who might want to fight with me? How well could I do when not only was I interested in dating others but had a great craving for intimacy that was not met as a young child because my biological mother had left when I was a toddler? How well could I do when the school schedule was not conducive to the schedule my body wanted? How well could I do when my diet was not conducive to learning in part because of the schedule? How well could I learn when I had boring teachers who taught subjects I wasn't interested? How could I learn well when at best the best teachers also had to teach 20+ other students who all were dealing with their own issues and learning abilities? Think my experience was unique? Doubtful, I've worked with thousands of children who have experienced similar challenges.
1. All purposefully unsafe behavior is initially learned from our families/friends/environments.
Children who act in hurtful ways are almost always hurt first. If you spank your child they are likely to hit others. If you yell/scream at your child they are likely to yell/scream at others. If you belittle/name call your child they are likely to do do the same to others. Those that exhibit these behaviors outside of being modeled these behaviors do so because their needs are not met. Child Protective Services (CPS) call extreme cases of these abuse and neglect. Yet so many parents practice abuse and neglect under the guise of positive parenting. This cycle is perpetual because as adults we spend time making up for the abuse and neglect we endured from our childhoods. House rules are set at the convenience of the parent. Schedules are set at the convenience of the parent. Meals are made at the convenience and preference of the parent. I could go on but I think the point is made. Even in the "nicest" of families children are often treated as accessories or vicarious avatars for adults to live their failed dreams through. If your child acts in ways you disapprove of they most likely learned to act that way from you and/or learned that in order to get their needs met they had to act in unsafe ways.
2. Schools are ill-equipped to foster learning and support the needs of children at the same time.
Before there were schools children regularly had numbers of adults interacting with them and supporting their needs. Tribes/clans/etc. were large families who epitomized the "it takes a village to raise a child" perspective. Today we have people we do not know raising our children in ratios that are not conducive to learning or safety. An anecdote from my own life illustrates this point. When I was in kindergarten I was the youngest of all the children. I started early because I was "bright." Emotionally and physically I was not ready for such an environment. Being a boy who is smaller than other children often makes one a target for bullying and this was the case for me every year of my schooled life until college although there were some moments in college as well). For thirteen years I was usually concerned about my personal safety. In kindergarten I was bullied by on particular bully from the fall until winter. I had a great kindergarten teacher. She was attentive, caring, and a talented educator. Despite her being a "great" teacher she had no clue I was being treated this way. The bullying stopped on a snowy winter day when the a fore mentioned boy grabbed my hat and buried it in the snow. I had had enough. I tapped into a rage that for most of my life has been present but caged and ran after the boy, grabbed his thick snow coat covered arm, and bit down as hard as I possibly could. The adults in my life were utterly shocked that I would do such a thing. Doesn't seem that surprising considering no one noticed that for three months I had been tormented. Despite having a good teacher and fun learning environment I was driven to the point of savagery. In high school my grades were not what they could have been. Many people would argue a need for accountability on my part but I challenge that notion. How well could I have been expected to do when I was worried about who might want to fight with me? How well could I do when not only was I interested in dating others but had a great craving for intimacy that was not met as a young child because my biological mother had left when I was a toddler? How well could I do when the school schedule was not conducive to the schedule my body wanted? How well could I do when my diet was not conducive to learning in part because of the schedule? How well could I learn when I had boring teachers who taught subjects I wasn't interested? How could I learn well when at best the best teachers also had to teach 20+ other students who all were dealing with their own issues and learning abilities? Think my experience was unique? Doubtful, I've worked with thousands of children who have experienced similar challenges.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Saturday Unschooling Dad aka Tour Guide
For those that wonder what exactly an Unschooling Dad might do, I offer today as an example. Today the plan was to go into Portland (from Vancouver, WA) after I got done with work (I work on Saturday mornings in order to be more available to my family on other days of the week). I realized after my first appointment of the day that the time my family was expecting me home and the time I would be home were about an hour different. Instead of calling my family to let them know I would be late, I decided to call the family (for those who don't know I am a parenting coach) I was supposed to meet and work with and told them I could only meet for half the time we had arranged. They ended up deciding to cancel the appointment. The exciting part for me is I've grown into/found a situation where my family really will come first rather than work consistently taking a priority. Many Unschooling fathers look for a situation where they can "Unwork." I think I've found the closest "unworking" job possible outside of self-employment. The reason I canceled was to make time for a return to my work place so the girls could explore the haunted aspects of where I work, prior to going to Portland. Yesterday they were very excited about going to a haunted house so I offered the old Victorian homes where I work as an inexpensive option.
When I got home I discovered that no one was "ready" as expected. A past version of me would have been annoyed that I rescheduled just for them and then they weren't ready to go. I would have also been grumpy because the time for me to play haunted house tour guide would be gone. I was able to happily wait until one of my daughters and her friend where packed and ready to go for a drop off with the friend's parent for a night of fun in Portland. Today wasn't about me. It was about facilitating experiences for my children and a friend. One the drive toward Portland I decided the plan of parking at Powells and walking to the hotel where I would drop two of the girls wasn't the best plan due to the hot weather. So putting the considerations of the kids first I drove to the hotel to drop off despite my "parking in the city fears." When I dropped them off I couldn't leave the car so I might have had a real challenge if I didn't trust my girls. My young teen daughter is fully capable of walking with three younger girls into a hotel and making sure they meet up with a parent. I treat her with trust and respect and amazingly enough she proves to be "responsible" by the main stream standards. After the hotel drop off we headed to Powells. For those unfamilar with Powells, it can be visited here online. In the real world Powells is a huge awesome bookstore. I did get to be a tour guide showing the youngest through the maze of stairs, bookshelves, and color identified areas for her first time. I may have wanted to stay longer but we stayed until each had daughter found a book and wanted to go home. As an adult I get plenty of what I want. Today I had committed to be a tour guide. The fun part about being a tour guide is you get to experience fun through the eyes of other's wonderment.
When I got home I discovered that no one was "ready" as expected. A past version of me would have been annoyed that I rescheduled just for them and then they weren't ready to go. I would have also been grumpy because the time for me to play haunted house tour guide would be gone. I was able to happily wait until one of my daughters and her friend where packed and ready to go for a drop off with the friend's parent for a night of fun in Portland. Today wasn't about me. It was about facilitating experiences for my children and a friend. One the drive toward Portland I decided the plan of parking at Powells and walking to the hotel where I would drop two of the girls wasn't the best plan due to the hot weather. So putting the considerations of the kids first I drove to the hotel to drop off despite my "parking in the city fears." When I dropped them off I couldn't leave the car so I might have had a real challenge if I didn't trust my girls. My young teen daughter is fully capable of walking with three younger girls into a hotel and making sure they meet up with a parent. I treat her with trust and respect and amazingly enough she proves to be "responsible" by the main stream standards. After the hotel drop off we headed to Powells. For those unfamilar with Powells, it can be visited here online. In the real world Powells is a huge awesome bookstore. I did get to be a tour guide showing the youngest through the maze of stairs, bookshelves, and color identified areas for her first time. I may have wanted to stay longer but we stayed until each had daughter found a book and wanted to go home. As an adult I get plenty of what I want. Today I had committed to be a tour guide. The fun part about being a tour guide is you get to experience fun through the eyes of other's wonderment.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Idea for a new blog series
I am thinking about writing a series about Unconditional Parenting versus Prescription Parenting. I would write about the main stream parenting strategies and much like medication prescribed by doctors there are benefits and side effects. If there are any particular ones you as a reader would like me to discuss first please add to the comment section.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Hey Why Aren't You Blogging?
I've had a number of people ask why I dropped off of the face of the earth when it comes to blogging. There are a number of reasons, one of the biggest is I really haven't felt like writing. I am a big believer of quality over quantity and was not a fan of what I was writing. And I am a parenting coach by profession. Many people who blog about parenting work in other fields so writing about parenting is a way to express a passion. I too am passionate about parenting but after discussing parenting for most of my work day and with Jenna when I get home I often just want to destroy virtual enemies and forget about my pain. What little energy I have left for interaction goes to my kids. Also I am slowly working on writing a book and parenting curriculum so when I do write I have been working on that rather than blogging.
For those that have been reading this blog and want me to write again there are probably 2 things you can do that may motivate me to write. Present me with an idea I have never heard before, something really exciting or offer something that really pisses me off. Although I am not an advocate of extrinsic motivation especially when it comes to parenting I am a product of a time and place where I was primarily motivated by external forces. Of course the first option will probably be most effective, I may just ignore things that are negative.
For those that have been reading this blog and want me to write again there are probably 2 things you can do that may motivate me to write. Present me with an idea I have never heard before, something really exciting or offer something that really pisses me off. Although I am not an advocate of extrinsic motivation especially when it comes to parenting I am a product of a time and place where I was primarily motivated by external forces. Of course the first option will probably be most effective, I may just ignore things that are negative.
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